Another rough week. It's interesting... I find the desire to write during/after particularly shitty points in my life.
I think the stress of turning 29 this week has thrown everything out of whack. Sure... I'll put the blame on that. Another year, "another trip around the sun" says Facebook. When I look back, I'm not met with any real major milestones to be brutally honest. The insignificant portion of my consciousness that exercises optimism searches for the positive points, but it is significantly outnumbered by the negative. Everything is kind of at a standstill life-wise. Hopefully I'll look back at this entry later and be able to argue from a different frame of mind, but right now this is what you get...
The past week has dealt some blows - crippling back pain like I have never felt before, the inability to exercise when I clearly need it the most, approaching holidays without my nephew or a chance to see my sick dad, questions about my current workplace/profession/career, and a birthday steadily approaching that signifies yet another year I was unable to become a mother.
The last point hits hard. It has been a long 6.5 years to wait for something that might never arrive. Bryan has developed a new strategy to deal with the prying public when asked about kids. Luckily anyone close enough to be comfortable with asking me knows my struggle and anyone who doesn't gets a swift "I can't have kids" to end the conversation. Bryan, on the other hand, argues the purpose of children and questions the individual about why he just has to have them. I know he just does that to make me feel less like I'm single handedly ruining his life, and it works.
I have begged him not to "surprise" me with some awkward social gathering for my birthday. Turning another year older is hard enough for me, but faking a smile and laughter for hours on top of that when I just want to be alone in bed is mentally excruciating. It has already been done multiple times in the past (much to my dismay), and I don't regret it after the fact, but this has been a rough year and I can't think of a single reason I would want to celebrate turning 30-1 ---> I have a brutally low paying job with no chance of advancement or pay raise, not to mention I'm grossly underappreciated, overlooked, and stuck there thanks to living in a tiny town, almost 7 years of attempts at a family have failed, my body is slowly breaking down, I probably won't see my dad again before he dies, I haven't seen my nephew in two years, and I'm holding my husband back from a happy life with someone else who doesn't make his life harder every single day.
Here's hoping 2017 will bring some excitement our way. Anything would be nice.
