Today is the day that I finally start emotionally investing in our latest fertility treatment.
Until this point, there is a looming possibility of cancelling everything due to a variety factors. Now that we are half-way through the cycle and one day from the insemination, we can relax a bit and start to dream again.
We have done one other intra-uterine insemination before, just last year through Conceptia. After trying to conceive since June of 2010, we were referred to them in 2013 for further testing. The diagnosis was "unexplained infertility" which means that everything works normally, doctors just can't find a reason for our inability to conceive. This was frustrating to say the least. After having tried for years with no luck, we needed a reason... something that could be fixed. No such luck unfortunately. Each month that passes brings new waves of hope and excitement only to be followed by heartbreak when we aren't successful. Not having a reason or cause makes things so much harder.
Last year everything about the IUI was perfect. Four mature follicles formed, which is the maximum they allow due to the risk of multiples. The semen sample numbers were fantastic, insemination went smoothly. With four little half-babies hanging out in my ovaries and a good amount of suitors waiting to meet up with them, how could we NOT get pregnant?
The two weeks that follow the insemination are the longest two weeks... ever. Right off the start, the odds aren't in your favor (6-20% chance of success) but there is still the hope that it works. Emotions run high. Stress is everywhere. Endless "what ifs" run through your head. Everyone gives advice about staying relaxed and calm, but that's impossible with what is at stake. I hang onto the phrase "cautious optimism" if I have to answer any questions about the future outcome of our treatment.
During the first treatment I told the people who needed to know... which seemed like too many even though it was only those who would be directly affected by a future pregnancy. This time around I decided to make it public, announcing our upcoming IUI on Facebook after the initial ultrasound. I'm tired of going through this struggle in the shadows and we need all of the support we can get.
Last time I set up a crib. I had four names picked out as strong contenders. I cut out coffee completely and didn't lift anything heavy. My due date was calculated. Baby clothes were purchased. I looked up places for baby registries. I was so sure that it was going to work and I made myself stay positive for those two weeks in case my mood would have any affect on achieving a pregnancy. In my mind, I was already pregnant. The call came that the IUI failed and everything collapsed around me. I tore down the crib, shoved baby items back into the closet, told myself I was stupid to think I would ever actually become a mom, and sucked back a bottle of wine in between sobs.
This kind of emotional investment makes you incredibly vulnerable, which is hard to live through. It feels like no one gets it, and the ones who do get it know better than to offer false hope. Fear of the unknown plagues your life, especially within these two weeks. Will it work? What if it doesn't? Will we try again? Where will we find the money? Will I be able to carry a baby to term? Will he/she be healthy? What if there are multiples? Could my body handle a high risk pregnancy?
Currently, my state of mind is "just enjoy the ride" while I sip my delicious caffeinated beverage in my PJs at 9:13am. However, I was already up at 5am searching "success stories IUI #2 with three follicles" and created a mental timeline of my estimated ovulation time with the average lifespan of a mature egg washed sperm in order to ensure the clinics treatment timeline is the most effective technique (Guess what? It is!). When you go through something so potentially life-changing, it's hard to keep your mind from constantly seeking out reassurance for the desired outcome.
Time for some yoga and brainstorming about how to distract myself from google for the next two weeks...
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